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Extreme Makeover - Pitch Edition: Could patio appliances and industrial fans put England in a spin - or will it all backfire?

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Roar Rookie
23rd October, 2024
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Rawalpindi Cricket Stadium, a youthful 31 years of age, hosted its first Test in 1993.

Spinner Noman Ali, born in ’86, is the man who really has seen it all, being older than the venue itself. Tucked into Pakistan’s military hub, Rawalpindi is more than Islamabad’s scrappy sidekick.

If Islamabad is all polished modernity, Pindi’s the gritty, heart and soul. Home to the PSL champs and, like the San Siro, it is a colosseum of shared legacies between the twin cities.

Let’s not forget it birthed the fastest man alive, Shoaib Akhtar, thanks to its bowler-friendly air near the Himalayas.

But lately, Pakistan’s cricket overlords seem to think spinners are the easy way out.

Why put in the effort of pampering fast bowlers when you can just have spinners do the demolition job? It’s all well and good until a certain left arm pacer sends one whistling down at short length and it goes buzzing past your ear, that’s when the epiphany of fast bowling virtues hits you.

Now, with the series on the line, England’s followed suit, fielding Joe Root, Rehan Ahmed, Shoaib Bashir, and Jack Leach.

It’s a battle of spin, but Pakistan might soon find out that when you live by the spin, you die by it too.

“God knows, to be honest,” was Harry Brook’s candid take when the triple centurion from Multan was asked about what to expect from the Rawalpindi surface.

“Hopefully, it’s just like any other Pakistani pitch. It’s good to bat on for the first few days, and then hopefully we can get a bit of turn out of it at the back end.”

Babar Azam of Pakistan celebrates a century during day four of the 1st Domain Test between Australia and Pakistan at The Gabba on November 24, 2019 in Brisbane, Australia. (Photo by Jono Searle - CA/Cricket Australia via Getty Images)

Babar Azam. (Photo by Jono Searle – CA/Cricket Australia via Getty Images)

What Rawalpindi will dish up is anyone’s guess. Pakistan’s home advantage plan involves concocting a spinner’s paradise from day one, but Rawalpindi’s curator has been known to get it spectacularly wrong before.

In a recent series against Bangladesh, Pakistan tried to create a fast-bowling track reminiscent of the MCG.

They went all in with four seamers, only for the wicket to turn into a dead graveyard for fast-bowling hopes.

In Pindi’s last five games, Pakistan has won just once, back-to-back defeats by Bangladesh, a narrow loss to England, a flat draw against Australia, and one win in seamer-friendly conditions against South Africa.

These matches might as well have been played at different grounds, so varied were the conditions, erasing any consistent historical identity of Pindi’s wicket.

The Pindi of 2021 was a different beast. Hassan Ali took a 10-fer, and South Africa, boasting Anrich Nortje and Kagiso Rabada, were comfortably defeated.

Spin played its part too, in what became a contest of low scores and bowlers’ dominance. Balanced conditions made for something unique, a perfect template.

A better version of Pindi than today’s one with heaters and industrial fans on the pitch. But with the series on the line, Multan’s template, which worked like a charm, will likely be the playbook.

If Rawalpindi’s pitch is anything, it’s a mystery box, just like Pakistan’s team.

The entire ground staff, cricketing brain trust, and fans, desperate for a win, are combining their efforts to concoct a track that will bring England down.

Call it home advantage, call it chicanery, or simply “pitch doctoring.” Pindi embodies the most Pakistani way of doing things, making a plan on the fly and sticking to it.

Strategies that defy logic and tactics that challenge norms; all executed with a nonchalance bordering on absurdity. Outdoor appliances on a cricket pitch to force turn? Sure, why not?

In a bid to craft the ideal playing surface, Pakistan’s ground staff has turned to the cutting-edge technology of… patio heaters and industrial fans.

Who needs centuries of cricketing tradition when you can just fire up some outdoor appliances? The heaters work their magic, evaporating moisture and transforming the pitch into a spinner’s paradise.

Meanwhile, the industrial fans are not just for show; they whip the air around, accelerating evaporation and ensuring the surface is dry. It essentially works like a blow dryer would.

Drying your hair and preparing a pitch, who would’ve thought the process would be the same?

It’s a clever ruse, using backyard tools to outsmart the English, because if you can’t outplay them, you might as well outsmart them with a few strategically placed heaters.

It’s the kind of ingenuity that might make you question whether you’re watching cricket or the latest episode of “Extreme Makeover: Pitch Edition”.

Add the rakes to brush off the grass and we’re all perfectly prepared for Autumn. Withered, dry and ready to turn cold.

It might defy science, common sense, and any semblance of reason, but it’s quintessentially Pakistani: ingenuity fueled by audacity, desperation with imagination, genius cloaked in simplicity.

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Whether it’s genius or madness, we’ll soon find out.

As philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer said, “No rose without a thorn, but many a thorn without a rose.” Pakistan may just be that thorn, Pakistan thriving in chaos, defying conventional wisdom with a fearless, often reckless, approach.

Whether it’s crafting wickets to your advantage or shuffling the deck mid-series, Pakistan’s cricket, like the thorn, may not always bloom into triumphs, but its potential to disrupt is undeniable, sharp, stubborn, and always capable of pricking those who dare underestimate it.

They can pull off a victory, or find themselves fed to the bureaucratic beast of the PCB, which no doubt already has its finger hovering over the “rethink” button.